Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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