Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
