when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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