i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us�
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
