You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It's never too late to be topless.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
