Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
