Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
