You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
