I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
