I accidentally burped into my bong.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
