awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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