hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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