We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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