Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Randomize
