so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
high people should be assigned attendants
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
