im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Banned from zoo.
Again?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
