There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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