He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
