hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
