i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
