Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
