WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
