addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
