I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
