OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
