Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
