Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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