Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
