i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Randomize
