I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
