im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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