i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
