My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
