So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
