tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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