the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
