Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Randomize
