Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
