mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
