I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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