i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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