Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
