Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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