Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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