Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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