Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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