he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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