the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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