i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
whose parrot is this?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
