im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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